life is chaos.
why can't i keep it together. i know where i should be. i know who i need to be. i know right from wrong. but why do i keep messing up.
when i say one thing why do i do the opposite.
i feel like crumbling.
there is so much going on and i can't prioritize. i can't keep it straight.
i need a good friend. i need someone to hold me accountable.
yes i have my husband. but he is swamped with school.
i have to be patient with that. he is under so much pressure i don't feel like i can talk to him.
plus the things im going through is more of girl talk anyways.
it more or less relates to him.
i get jealous WAAYY to easily. why is it so easy for some girls to not have a care in the world. to just be chill about everything.
i wish i could be like that.
so many times i have told God. you are in control but then something stupid happens i freak out and make stupid mistakes and end up in the same pattern.
i can't escape this cycle i am in and it's slowly killing me and my marriage.
why can't i just grow up. im 23, have a house, a dog, 2 cats, a husband, 3 jobs, loans, bills...you think that would be enough for someone to act their age.
but i feel like im still in high school mentality. i hate this crap.
i have been drinking too much. nic doesn't know. i am smoking.
i hate admitting this because no one knows. but i think if i don't say it no one will know what's going on and no one can help.
so, please don't judge...to whoever reads this. maybe no one will.
but if there is any good advice out there. any encouraging words. please tell me.
i just don't know what to do.
i feel like im lacking in self control. im lacking in patience and understanding.
im lacking so much.
why can't i be the girl i want to be.
it's too much sometimes.
i am selfish. if i don't get my way. if i don't get what i want. if nic doesn't say what i want to hear. if he doesn't do what i want him to do. i get my feelings hurt too easily and just destroy what we have. push him farther away.
how do i fix this.
i revolve my life around nic. i revolve my feelings around him. i can't even concentrate at work becasue im worried about him and what he is doing.
why can't i just let go???
does anyone know where i'm coming from or am i just crazy?
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1 comment:
I understand. I have said so many times "I feel like have no control". Of me, my actions or anyone around me. I have come to figure out, that I think that's where God wants me. I don't like it, it's not comfortable. But when I'm there, I can totally rely on Him. I still freak out and throw tantrums (I'm 23). I don't like who I am a lot. But I read Psalms 23 over and over. I also just read Psalms 32:8 and 2 Corinthians 5:17 this morning and really like them. He will help you change. He will help you trust. But you have to let go. It would be like 2 people trying to drive a car, Two people can't steer. And seeing as He is the only one who knows where it's all going, it just makes sense to let him drive. But boy is it scary.But just speaking from personal experience, You will get to feeling safe. He sends little signs or whatever you want to call it, blessings maybe to let me know that I'm on the right track, He's with me and it's ok. It might be storming outside, but you're safe with Him.I'm sorry if I sound like I"m preaching, I don't mean to. You can email me if you would like to talk. I will be praying for you. Brittany
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