stressball.

i feel like a big ball of stress today. i don't like being moody and rude to people and putting them in a standoffish mood - but that's how i am today. as much as i have prayed i feel no peace. i wish i had some friends i can go to coffee with and just get some perspective but i don't. it sucks.

here's the deal:

i now am working 3 jobs.
Nic starts at Iowa State today and begins his 2 years of full class loads lots of studying and less and less time of us seeing each other.
I have a house I have to take care of basically by myself.
I have 3 pets I have to take care of and clean up after.
My main job requires me to do a lot of extra work that puts a lot of stress on me.
I feel like I won't see my husband very much anymore.
And to top it all of....yes I am admiting this...I am trying to quit smoking today.
I am just about to explode.


If anybody is reading this I could really use a boost today.

I really wish I could just be at peace and be content with everything. But, it's hard with the situation I am in.

Am I just throwing myself a pity party??

I mean I have no such thing as a weekend. Nic and I can't just stay at home and chill all day and I am so immensely jealous of the people who have that luxury. Don't take it for granted for as you rest I work.

I no longer have days off. I work 7 days a week about 60 hours a week.

I need something.

I need something to show me the light at the end of the tunnel.

I want to survive this but it's so hard on your own.

For those of you who have friends...do not take them for granted either!!!

Someone please lend a helping hand!!

passion.

i have reinstated my passion! i had so much fun last night riding!! i don't know why i ever quit. but no time for regrets. im starting over and im so excited. it's going to be so much fun. im going to see if i can help out at the stables too. just to give me something to do. it's so nice having something that you can have that you know you are good at. nic said he was proud of me last night. so sweet.

im so glad it's friday and thankfully i don't have to work tomorrow.

today is going to be a good day.

no technology please

so. i find that life is so much more enjoyable without tv. the internet. cell phones. it's so much more peaceful just enjoying what God created, what God gave you. like my husband. he is amazing. we spent the whole night together. no tv. no internet. just us talking having fun. didn't go to bed until almost 4 am. we didn't want to stop talking. lately we haven't been talking that much. lately we are watching tv or on the computer. so we are focused on meaningless stuff. but last night was awesome. i just came to work feeling refreshed.

i start riding horses again today. im so elated. its something that i used to do a long time ago and was good at it. now im back in the saddle again. haha.

i need to work hard today. so my post is short and sweet.

and i dont need the internet anyways.

let it fade.

Have you been walking on a surface that's uncertain?

Have you helped yourself to everything that's empty? yeah!

You can't live this way too long.

There's more than this, more than this.

Have you been standing on your own feet too long?

Have you been looking for a place where you belong?

You can rest, you will find rest.

You can rest, you will find rest.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.

Let this new life offered be your saving grace.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

Have you been holding on to what this world has offered?

Have you been giving in to all these masquerades?

It will be gone, forever gone.

It will be gone, it will be gone

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.

Let this new life offered be your saving grace.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

Let it fade.

Are you carrying the weight too much?, are you running from the call?

Let it fade, Oh yeah.

You can rest, you will find rest.

You can rest you will find rest.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.

Let this new life offered be your saving grace.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.

Have you been standing on your own feet too long?

Have you been looking for a place where you belong?

** i heard this song on the radio this morning. I have heard it before but it hit me today. let this old life fade. this life that i hate, i want the saving grace.

there is so much more to see and love and enjoy when you do not hold onto the things of the world, but when you let them all go and just live for God and live your life the way he has planned. it's so much better that way. so much more peaceful and meaningful. all this crap that the world offers is poison to your soul.

personally i do not want to poison my soul. im going to try and stop watching tv and start being outside more. take my dog for a longer walk, stay at the lake a little longer. read more. learn to play that guitar that is just sitting in my living room.

i don't want to fill my soul and my head with crap, it just makes it that much easier for satan to get in and for the world to fill your head with empty thoughts.

i want to reach out to people and show them the way. i hope i can have the strength. i can be anti social and quite the wallflower. people intimidate me. i don't know if it's my paralyzing insecurity or i am just not a social butterfly. no matter. i want to be a light.

Psalm 19:14

Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer.

Think about this verse here for a minute. What we say is a reflection of our heart. We should really consider the things we dwell on. The things we let run through our mind. It is proven that the average person has 60,000 thoughts a day and 80% of those thoughts are negative. We let negative thoughts control us because its easy to be down on yourself it's easy to just give up. Life is out trying, life is about striving. No matter how hard it is.

I wish I didn't fail so easily, but it's the fact of life. Thankfully we have Jesus who forgives us so quickly, forgets completely and understands our failures like no one else. Even better than we understand ourselves.

Even as I say this I think about how hard it is going to be to not let my thoughts go wayward.

So, today I am double checking what I am meditating in my heart.

I want to be acceptable in the sight of the Lord.

To me, this week is a new week. I'm excited because I feel like it's going to be a good week. A different week.

I want to influence someone, I want to be a light and always let my light shine.

When I pray I feel peace and my burdens are lifted. Honestly pray to Jesus, He will listen and will bring you peace. Not always are our questions or requests answered but patience is a virture and with patience we get more than we can imagine.

Life is all in Gods timing. I am learning to accept this.

I want to be a wonderful woman in God, a wonderful Godly wife.

But the world sucks you in so easily. This week I'm not having any of it.

No gossiping (that goes on a lot when you work with all women ), no bitterness towards my husband, no mean thoughts, no road rage ( I get that )!!

Lord, help me be a light for you today and always.

heart strings.

Imagine Me ------Kirk Franklin
Imagine me loving what I see when the mirror looks at me cause I, I imagine me.

In a place, of no insecurities and I'mfinally happy cause I imagine me.

Letting go of all of the ones who hurt mecause they never did deserve me, can you imagine me.

Saying no to thoughts that try to control me, remembering all you told me, Lord can you imagine me?

Overwhat my momma said, and healed from what my daddy did and I wanna live and not read that page again.

Imagine me, being free, trusting you totally,finally I can imagine me, I admit it was hard to see you being in love with someone like me, finally I can imagine me.

Imagine me Being strong and not letting people break me down, you won't get that joy this time around.

Can you imagine me?

In a world, in a world nobody has to live afraid, because of your love, fear's gone away, can you imagine me.

Letting go of my past and glad I have another chance and my heart will dance cause I don't have to read that page again.

thank you melissa

ya know melissa..thank you for your post. i don't even know if you will read this but you helped me. today i was feeling bad about the foul mood i was in last night. no matter how hard my sweet husband tried to cheer me up it wasnt working. and then today as i get to work i felt like crap because i wasted a night being grumpy when i could have been soaking up his love. it warms my heart how he didnt give up though. which makes me feel even more blessed to have in my life even though we don't always see eye to eye.

i had a mediocre review at work. its an annual review which affects my raise. i know i havent put much effort into work. well i have, just not as much as i should. i dont like to work. i would rather spend my time doing things that make me happy not just trying to get a paycheck and make it by.

i have to wait until Nic gets done with school for that. before i can start really what i feel my calling is and that is to have a family. i want to feel God changing me and molding me into this mom/homemaker/wife that i so want to be. but sometimes i dont feel it. and its mostly my own fault. for messing up and then pushing myself away because i do bad things and then turn my back because i do not feel worthy.

i cant get over the feeling of not feeling worthy.

but i am. The Spirit is in me. never leaving me. but i just wish i could shake bad feelings.

i hate evil but its everywhere. how do you escape. why do i fall in sometimes.

i wish i could get over this roadblock of mine. i wish i never sinned. i wish i could do the right thing always.

i really need a friend. still looking for a friend. my husband doesn't understand where i am coming from. he practically raised himself so he doesn't understand weakness. which makes it harder for me to express myself to him. he sees it as a pity party and being weak. maybe that's the truth.

i don't know where im going with this. but i should get back to work. mabye i can salvage some sort of good raise in the next month before its time to decide.

and me being manager i have to decide raises for others. i dont like that. i dont like deciding how much money someone could make.

but i gotta do it. its my job. i wish i could have some motivation some peace some strength some self control.

anybody out there???

fake it till you make it.

at first i thought this line was something not to be followed. but now as i think more about it i think that its true. if you act a certain way even if you dont feel that way inside you eventually start to become this person. thus no longer having to fake it because you made it.

so today im faking it till i make it.

because i want to make it so bad.

so these insecurities i have no one will see anymore because i will fake those feelings away.

ive been thinking that everyone must have some sort of issue they hide. i was listening to a christian man on talk radio yesterday and he said that we all have secrets. we all have something that we hide.

something we will never tell anyone.

thats true. i have things that i have thought/done that i dont think i would tell anyone. so to not let the guilt hang over me i will no longer be doing things that i know are wrong.

dont get me wrong. im sure i will fail. but i will pick myself up.

yesterdays showing of weakness was not pretty. and i dont want to be this person.

my husband does not want an insecure woman. he wants someone he can respect and be proud of and know he can count on. not some emotional drama queen basket case.

and really what woman wants to act that way anyways.

so, here i am again. working on myself. working on who God has designed me to be.

wish me luck faking it. because i will make it.

i will overcome these stupid thoughts and feelings because they are not from God. they are from Satan and i will do my best to rid him of my heart.

the more i act the way i should, the more i will begin to feel these things in my heart.

yes..sometimes i feel like my heart should change first before my actions. but my heart is changing. i am thinking a new way.

i feel good. i just hope i can pull through on this one and i see this as my only way. i have tried before and fail after a day.

no more failing after 24 hours. i will run this race. i will be strong. i will be peaceful. i will be happy. i will be loving. i will be confident in myself, in my marriage, in the way my husband feels about me, in my job. i will be smart. i will make smart decisions.

i know the outcome of this all will be more than i can take. but i have never been able to overcome. to make it to the other side.

today is my day.

off i go...

clawing for the surface.

wow. i just had this completely overwhelming feeling of sabatoge. like my coworkers are out to take my job, like my husband has alterior motives, like my own body is in a state of rebellion. which it is. this feeling of insecurity. why can't i shake it.

im a prisoner of my mind and my mind kills me. kills the person i want to be. kills the person i know God wants me to be. it's debilitating. i cant handle it anymore. i get so tense and uptight.

i feel everyone around me looks at me like im ignorant...uncapable of logical thought..

sometimes i wonder if i black out for a few seconds of life.

im obsessed with learning about changing myself. but yet never put it to action. i know things in my head. but my actions speak otherwise.

why am i so insecure. why do encouraging words do nothing for me.

im waiting for something to drop. i feel sabatoge.

im not this person. its something that's affecting everything and it's not wanted.

how do i shake it.

i need a true friend.

but what if im right. what if people seem me as a complete ignoramous. i feel like it half the time. i feel like im so obssessed with becoming something but not doing..ive become obssessed wondering what people think about me but i do nothing to impress them.

i feel like i am failing at my job. like i don't do a good enough job. like this girl down the way is about to take it from me.

i hurt everywhere. i hurt all the time. i dont want this.

ive given this to God. im so hurt.

lord, please save me. please take this away. my heart is shattering. i feel my own husband is with me for convienience and i love him more than anything. lord, what can i do. how can i shake this. what am i missing

i feel as though im always missing something.

and now beastie boys is in my head..

im telling ya'll it's sabatoge...

split seconds.

i was driving to through town about a half hour ago and i pull up to a busy intersection. people are running around in the street and it's chaos. i see pieces of metal and plastic everywhere and a car with the drivers side smashed in down the street. i see a man laying in the middle of the street..not moving...surrounded by people...his shoes lay a few feet from him...his motorcycle in pieces everywhere. no ambulance. no cops. just people. someone is trying to direct traffic. someone is trying to see if this man is okay. which he is not. he is dead. i can't believe what i see. someones life has changed forever and here i am driving in my ford festiva listening to talk radio. just moments before something happened that altered the world. how crazy it is that things can happen in such a split second. life is so fragile. our bodies so fragile. our bodies are temples.

Lord, please be with this man and his family. I pray that peace will be in the hearts of those affected. and i pray this man knows you.

today is wed. feels like thursday.

nic is taking his final in physics and i pray he does well. i cannot wait for school to be done with and we have some sort of a normal life. but in time it will all come together. i know this. i trust in Gods plan.

i have so much reading to do. i check out more books at the library then i can read in my 2 weeks allotted. i need to renew.

it's cloudy but lovely.

i went to a nutrtion class last night and learned so much. if only we could eat straight from the earth. please if you are reading this do not eat processed foods. eat what God gave you. not something from a factory synthesized to never rot. we need to eat foods that rot because they are living first.

do something that makes you smile today. it always makes you feel better. or at least it does for me.

peace.

too many thoughts for a notebook....

I carry a beat up purple 70 sheet college ruled notebook around with me in my bag all day everyday. I am constantly writing down my thoughts, my prayers, my feelings...anything...

but, im on a computer all day...so why not blog...

im here to express and to be a light...

maybe i can show you the way...the way of forgiveness..and wisdom and peace...

maybe i will bore you...

but this will be my journey through my everyday run of the mill life...

i love what i have..im blessed and oh so grateful for this life...even though i fail on a daily basis i know God is there....always ready to take my shattered pieces and put them back together...

im a broken soul....broken by sin...and sometimes taken in by the world...

for me everyday is a struggle..but a renewal because i learn something new...

i see God at work everyday...little things happen and i can't help but smile and know He is showing me He is here...what a wonderful feeling...

anyways...

hello to all...im cortnee..a small town midwestern chick with a lot of thoughts and not enough paper...