thank you melissa

ya know melissa..thank you for your post. i don't even know if you will read this but you helped me. today i was feeling bad about the foul mood i was in last night. no matter how hard my sweet husband tried to cheer me up it wasnt working. and then today as i get to work i felt like crap because i wasted a night being grumpy when i could have been soaking up his love. it warms my heart how he didnt give up though. which makes me feel even more blessed to have in my life even though we don't always see eye to eye.

i had a mediocre review at work. its an annual review which affects my raise. i know i havent put much effort into work. well i have, just not as much as i should. i dont like to work. i would rather spend my time doing things that make me happy not just trying to get a paycheck and make it by.

i have to wait until Nic gets done with school for that. before i can start really what i feel my calling is and that is to have a family. i want to feel God changing me and molding me into this mom/homemaker/wife that i so want to be. but sometimes i dont feel it. and its mostly my own fault. for messing up and then pushing myself away because i do bad things and then turn my back because i do not feel worthy.

i cant get over the feeling of not feeling worthy.

but i am. The Spirit is in me. never leaving me. but i just wish i could shake bad feelings.

i hate evil but its everywhere. how do you escape. why do i fall in sometimes.

i wish i could get over this roadblock of mine. i wish i never sinned. i wish i could do the right thing always.

i really need a friend. still looking for a friend. my husband doesn't understand where i am coming from. he practically raised himself so he doesn't understand weakness. which makes it harder for me to express myself to him. he sees it as a pity party and being weak. maybe that's the truth.

i don't know where im going with this. but i should get back to work. mabye i can salvage some sort of good raise in the next month before its time to decide.

and me being manager i have to decide raises for others. i dont like that. i dont like deciding how much money someone could make.

but i gotta do it. its my job. i wish i could have some motivation some peace some strength some self control.

anybody out there???